I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
