you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
