i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
