I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
