theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
false alarm. still invincible.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We were destined to go to rehab together
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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