Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.