and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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