I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
