I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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