my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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