I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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