Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
