I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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