Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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