I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
