I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
false alarm. still invincible.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
