you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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