I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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