Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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