you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
