Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
