I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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