I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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