Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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