I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
