based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
