i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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