i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
