in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
