They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm getting married
To pizza
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
