why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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