My entire life is one complicated drinking game
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
