Will you blow on my dice?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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