The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
