i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
