In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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