i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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