I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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