I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
