What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
