Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
