If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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