Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
