Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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