I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
