I'm jealous of your bromance
Duck Duck Cougar?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
