Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
