I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
