why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
