I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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