textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize