I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
