I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's blow job season.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
