He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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