she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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