Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
this hospital has no fireball
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
