When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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