I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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